Reasons Men Cheat

10 Jan Reasons Men Cheat

Affairs can from time to time tempt anyone.  Yes, all couples are at risk for ruptures in their relationship from infidelities if they do not know how to prevent them. But, of course, there are men who jump from one woman to another, or keep many girlfriends for the fun of it.

Psychologists have, however, observed that most infidelities are inadvertent occurrences that evolve from intimate conversations in private places.

The most likely candidates for igniting sexual passions are old flames who reappear in your world, and work associates with whom there have been flirtatious interactions or intensive alone together work time.

What do couples need to understand about these factors to lower the risk of their having to deal with infidelities after they have happened?

Talking intimately, that is, about private aspects of your personal life, with anyone can ignite sexual feelings.  Verbal openness with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse begets impulses to sexual openness.  Closeness of understanding invites impulses to become close sexually. That’s not about being a moral or immoral person.  It’s the reality of how we humans have been biologically programmed.

If a person with whom we have an intimate conversation happens to be either an old flame or a work associate, the odds of sexual feelings igniting zoom further.

Why a work associate?  Working closely together in private situations, that is, with the office door closed, and worst of all travel alone together with a work associate of the other sex, is highly likely to raise temptingly titillating sexual feelings.  Once you are in a situation where you have to rely on self-discipline, you are entering high risk territory.

Anything that feels good invites us to experience more of it.

The stronger the arousal of positive feelings and especially of potent sexual feelings, the more that trigger has potential to override our good judgment.

Our brains are programmed to encourage us to do what we need to do to experience good feelings again, and again, and again.

As a marriage counselor with over 16 years’ experience, says people cheat because there is something missing in their relationship, or within themselves – which I refer to as a “void”.

She said: ”husbands, or wives (and, yes, women cheat too) come into my private practice for marital therapy and admit to infidelity, the first question I ask is what was going on in the relationship at the time of the affair. If they say they didn’t  feel like a priority, felt a lack of intimacy, or describe where their conflicts were being resolved in a lose/win fashion; then I immediately think OK they were just “unhappy”, and I take a sigh of relief. In contrast, if they were happy and cheated, then I fear the worse

Men who engage in sexual and romantic entanglements after making a vow of monogamy do so for a variety of underlying psychological reasons. According to Robert Weiss, the most common of these reasons are:

He’s a liar. He never intended to be monogamous, despite his commitment. He doesn’t understand that his vow of fidelity is a sacrifice made to and for his relationship and the person he professes to love. This man views monogamy as something to be worked around rather than embraced.

He is insecure. Deep down he feels that his is too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too poor, too stupid, or too whatever to be desirable. He uses flirtation, porn, and extramarital sex as a way to feel better about himself, to reassure himself that he is still desirable, worthwhile, and “good enough.”

He is immature. He thinks that as long as his wife/girlfriend/partner doesn’t find out, he’s not hurting anybody. He doesn’t understand that significant others near always know when something is up. He doesn’t “get it” that his partner will eventually find out what’s been going on, and when that occurs it won’t be pretty.

He is damaged. Perhaps he is acting out early trauma experiences, such as physical abuse, neglect, or sexual abuse. His formative wounds have left him unable or unwilling to fully commit himself to one other person. He may also seek sexual intensity outside his relationship as a way to self-medicate (escape from) his emotional and psychological pain.

He is bored, overworked, or otherwise put-upon (in his mind), and feels deserving of something special that is just for him – something like hiring prostitutes, viewing porn, or having affairs. Or maybe he wants more attention from his mate and thinks a period of his pulling away will cause her to comply.

He is confused about love. He mistakes limerence – the “rush” of early romance – with love. He does not understand that in truly loving relationships the early, visceral attraction is gradually replaced by sweeter feelings of longer-term attachment, honesty, commitment, and emotional intimacy.

He wants out. He is looking to end his current relationship and is using external sexual and romantic activities to give his wife or girlfriend “the message” without having to be direct with her. Or, if he is one of those men who doesn’t like being alone, period, then finding a new and “better” person before leaving a current relationship provides a safer and softer landing.