Behaviour that ruins relationships

08 Nov Behaviour that ruins relationships

The question of why love fades or why people grow apart in their relationships is one of life’s great mysteries. What prevents us from maintaining the passion, attraction, admiration and closeness we once felt for our partner?

Dr Lisa Firestone writes on that what she has found in her own work and in a 30-year longitudinal study of couples and individuals is that we can contrast the patterns of behaviour between couples that result in long-term romantic love with unrealistic expectations.

In the beginning, people usually open up to one another and relate personally. Then, at some point, they become afraid and start to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable by shutting down and withdrawing from loving behavior. The situation can deteriorate even further until the couple no longer manifests any observable loving behavior and often expresses a lot of animosity toward each other.

Angry reactions to feedback

Communication is key to a close relationship. However, sometimes, we tend to become increasingly closed off to real dialogue, that is, a kind and compassionate way of exchanging impressions and ideas. Instead, we tend to be defensive and have angry or intimidating overreactions to feedback that shut our partner down. Whether we punish our partner by breaking down emotionally, by giving them the silent treatment or by screaming at them, we’re telling them that we don’t want to hear what they have to say. We may provoke additional emotional distance by reacting critically, saying the things that we know will sting our partner the most.

SOLUTION: In order to change this pattern, we can try to look for a kernel of truth in what our partner is saying rather than picking apart any flaws in the feedback. We can strive to be open and seek feedback from people we care about and trust, so that they feel comfortable to talk to us about the more difficult subjects.

Closed to new experiences

In every relationship, it’s important to maintain a sense of ourselves as a unique person. When we get involved with someone new, it should expand our world, not shrink it. When we first fall in love, we tend to be open to new things. However, when we start to engage in a fantasy bond, we tend to adopt roles and routines that limit us and close us down to new experiences. We may become more rigid and automatic in our responses. “You know I don’t like that restaurant.” “We always see a movie on Saturday night.” It actually hurts the relationship when we stop being free and open to developing new shared interests. It can foster real resentment between partners. While no one should force themselves to do things they really don’t want to do, shutting down the part of ourselves that seeks new experiences and responds to a spark in our partner can drain us of our aliveness and spontaneity.

SOLUTION: We should always be open to exploring things that expand our world and be careful not to limit our or our partner’s experience. We can try activities each of us likes and see if they add to our arsenal of things we can do together and share in a lively way. This doesn’t mean that we have to share all of our interests or meet every one of each other’s needs. In fact, it’s essential to maintain our independence and individuality. We don’t need one person for fulfillment, but we do need some shared activities. A relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Being open to new experiences keeps it alive.

Deception and duplicity

Most of us know from experience that we can drive each other crazy when our words and actions fail to match. Unfortunately, deception and duplicity are pretty common in relationships. There are a lot of mixed messages based on saying one thing and doing another.

SOLUTION: Actions that contradict these words do not look like love. Double messages mess with another person’s reality, which can actually be considered a basic human rights violation, not to mention a huge threat to lasting, loving relationships.

Admittedly, honesty in a relationship can be tricky, because it doesn’t mean saying every little critical thing to our partner that pops into our head. We have to know our real intentions and what our real truth is. This means we have to know ourselves. We have to consistently ask ourselves, “Am I being honest? When our actions are honest, we can create genuine closeness.

Overstepping boundaries

Many of us unintentionally lose track of where we leave off and our partner begins.  Without even noticing it, we may be intrusive or controlling toward our partner, acting in a manner that is disrespectful or demeaning to the other person’s sense of self. When this happens, it not only hurts our partner and his or her feelings for us, but it can undermine our own strength and our feelings for our partner. Many couples come to hold their partner responsible for their happiness, leading to demands and complaints and a sense of powerlessness.

SOLUTION: In order to be a loving partner and maintain our own feelings of interest and attraction, we should have regard for what lights our partner up and matters to him or her. We should see our partner as a whole and separate person who matters to us, independent of our own needs and interests. We can both encourage each other to engage in pursuits that really express who each of us is individually.

Lack of affection

Some couples describe their sex lives as becoming mechanical or highly routinised. This takes much of the excitement out of their attraction.

SOLUTION: Ideally, we would strive to stay in touch with our own wanting feelings and with those of our partner. There would be a give and take. The more free flowing and spontaneous our expressions of love can be, the less likely we are to grow apart.

Misunderstanding

We tend to see our partners for who we need them to be rather than who they are. We may even see them as more critical, intrusive or rejecting than they are, because we grew up with people who had these qualities. When we disrespect the boundary between ourselves and our partner, we’re more likely to see them as an extension of ourselves, and we may mistreat or criticize them in ways we mistreat or criticize ourselves.

SOLUTION: In an ideal relationship, we try to see our partner realistically, both with their strengths and their foibles, and accept them for who they are. We don’t allow ourselves to create a negative caricature, which means not focusing in on their flaws and indulging in critical thoughts. However, it also means not creating a grandiose image of them. No one can really feel loved unless they feel seen realistically. When a partner is either building us up or tearing us down, we can feel like we’re on shaky ground, not really being loved for who we are. This is why it’s so important not to distort the other person.

Manipulations

Because of people’s own defenses desire to protect themselves, it can be easy for couples to play games and be indirect about their wants and needs. They may engage in manipulative maneuvers to get what they want, like trying to control a situation by crying and falling apart or blowing up and being intimidating. They may also adopt roles that hurt or limit them in their relationship. For example, couples often polarize each other, with one person becoming domineering and controlling, while the other acts passive and submissive.

SOLUTION: In an equal relationship, it’s important to ask directly for what we want and need from each other. This gives our partner an opportunity to respond and meet our needs. Many of us make the mistake of expecting our partner to read our minds and “know” what we want, which can only lead to disappointment. It’s important to say what we want without trying to dominate or control the situation.