The Laws of Attraction: How We Select Lovers

01 May The Laws of Attraction: How We Select Lovers

There is this guy I know very well. A quiet, humble guy with a good job! He has never toasted a lady, and it is not because he is shy. So how did he get his wife, a drop-dead beauty, who works in a bank?

“Circumstances bring people together, and if they are free (not in a relationship) and like each other, a relationship starts,” he said.

There is something  Dr. Noam Shpancer  calls “Laws of Attraction.” Shpancer is a psychologist and an author.  He received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Purdue University. Currently, he is a professor of psychology at Otterbein University in Westerville Ohio. According to him, studies from the 1940s to the present point to the existence of several well-supported ‘laws of attraction’ that govern the general process of choosing a long-term mate. Findings have shown the following processes:

Exposure and Familiarity: In general, we grow to like those around us  and those with whom we have frequent contact. The more time we spend with someone, the greater the chances that we’ll like, accept, and fall in love with him or her. Now granted, we all know someone with whom increased interaction causes increased frustration and resentment, but that is the exception that proves the rule. Simple exposure is one reason why many a romance blooms at work or at the university. Daily contact over time turns strangers into friends, and more.

Physical Attraction: Physical beauty is an important life advantage, and it is of fundamental significance in the mating game. Bottom line: you do not want to spend your life with someone you find physically repellent. Physical attraction, it turns out, obeys the laws of the market: the best goods cost more, and so buyers do not get what they want but what they can afford. Ultimately, the rich drive the Mercedes, the middle class drives the Toyota and the poor ride the bus. Similarly with physical attractiveness, beautiful people end up with others who are very beautiful, average looking with average looking, etc.

Personality and Character:  Research on the personality factors that attract us to others (and others to us) has identified two personality factors that are considered across the board desirable: competence and warmth. Competent people, that is to say intelligent and socially skilled, are considered more attractive. Kind people with a warm personality are also more attractive. Warm and wise is a winning pair in the mate selection tournament.

Proximity: Most of us will marry someone who lives within walking or driving distance. We are unlikely to persist in a relationship or get married to someone who’s a transatlantic flight away. The great poet Yehuda Amichai wrote, “Advice for good love: Don’t love those from far away. Take for yourself one from nearby. The way a sensible house will take local stones for its building,” and the poet was right. Most of us choose from the nearby selection. Long-distance relationships are more difficult to nurture, and they survive much less often.

Similarity: This is without a doubt the most powerful finding in this area. We are drawn to people who are like us. Christians will appeal to other Christians. Educated people are drawn to other educated people, leftists love leftists, extroverts love extroverts, etc. On almost every parameter of background, personality, values, and experience, we prefer someone who has a lot in common with us over someone who is totally different from us, and also over someone who ‘completes’ or compliments us.

Studies by some American researchers of about 9,000 women and men from 37 countries have also shown that, when a man and a woman have known each other through the natural processes,  some of the following considerations come into play.

Love vs. Status/Resources: When choosing a partner, we frequently engage in internal negotiations whereby the value of romantic love is pitted against the value of social status and economic security. If the love is strong, we may sacrifice security or economic status. If the potential partner’s status is high, we may compromise regarding the intensity of our romantic feelings.

Dependable/Stable vs. Good Looks/Health: When choosing a partner, we tend to compromise regarding emotional stability if the potential partner is very attractive physically. Alternatively, we may agree to accept a less attractive partner if they are exceptionally stable and emotionally sound.

Sociability vs. Similar Religion: Someone of the same religion as us will be seen as an attractive choice even if he or she does not possess a particularly sociable character. A potential partner who’s very sociable by nature will attract us even if they don’t share our religious background.

All these show that we don’t just wake up one morning and say we are going to love someone. True love is a process thing. It happens over time and space.